Hello there (the angels from my nightmares) and welcome to my latest blog! This is the final piece I’m going to be writing about the pandemic, because to be honest, it’s getting boring init? Here’s a round-up of 10 things I’d love to ban during the lockdown. Let’s crack on!
- The word “apparently”…
This word has been thrown around more times than I’ve nearly thrown the towel in during the past six weeks. “Apparently lockdown will go on for another year” is one example, as well as “apparently you’re immune to the virus if you smoke”, and the classic “apparently the virus was manmade by China as a form of population control”. Just stop it!!!
2. People thinking a Netflix binge is The Worst Possible Thing You Could Be Doing
There are literally people who do crack. A little 12-hour Netflix marathon is nothing to be ashamed of babes.
3. Lockdown adverts
Mainly because they make me cry. But also because it’s unethical to profit off of a global pandemic. (Five points to anyone who’s watched the Facebook advert without welling up though).
4. Budget daytime TV
Obviously I’m not talking about The Chase or Pointless here 😍😍😍 However, considering most of us are at home, TV stations are slacking when it comes to daytime listings. Why not treat it like that period between Christmas and NYE and just show back-to-back family films? A Harry Potter marathon would certainly ease lockdown blues.
5. Productivity shaming
If you’ve read my other pandemic-flavoured blogs, you’ll already know how I feel about this. Luckily the “lockdown is the only time to learn to pole vault while simultaneously speaking Mandarin and making a key lime pie” gang have calmed down a bit recently. If you are being productive then absolutely fair play to you mate (but if you’re not then that is also a-okay).
6. Fake news
Can you all just stop it? Why do people invent fake news for clout? WHYYY????? Oh no baby what is you doing???
7. Tweets stating painfully obvious statements
“Is anyone else feeling really weird lately?” and so on. Yes, it’s called a global pandemic, economic crisis, and the fact you can’t go outside. I hate using the word basic, but…
8. Protesting social distancing
Do you lot reeeally think Boris is gonna go “ah right lads, lockdown is lifted now because a group of people holding hands think it’s a conspiracy. Back to work all of you, social distancing is over”?
9. Other people in supermarkets
My one outing a week to the stunning rolling mountains of Tesco Express Knowle is often ruined by other people walking into me because they’re going the wrong way down the one-way system. When waiting a safe distance to pay, people push in front and say “ooh, why’re you waiting down there for???”. I’m one trip away from launching into a Cardi B-style “coronaviiiirus!” rant. If you see a video titled “woman loses it in Bristol Tesco”, mind your business please.
10. The endless scepticism
Now don’t get me wrong, I dislike obnoxious optimism as much as the next person. But even worse is endless scepticism. This will go away!! Life will one day go back to normal!! Please let me dream and plan without butting in saying “well, you’ll be waiting at least nine months before you can do that”. That first pub G&T; that first full set of highlights with a cut and blow dry; that first time you step into a festival; it’ll all be worth the wait.
Thanks for reading! Stay in your gaff, wash ur grubby mitts, protect the NHS x